Express Bus Letter

An open letter to those who ride the MTA Staten Island Express Bus:

Society needs the Social Contract to function and survive as a society. This contract extends to every area of our interaction with one another. As it relates to our commute together, I'd like to propose the following rules/suggestions/guidelines:

• When waiting for the bus at a bus stop, let's all stand in an ordered line. Let's not congregate aimlessly. When people get on the bus, move up to fill in the gaps. Otherwise, you look like some kind of plant, and I will walk around you. If that means I get on the next bus before you do, remember, you are a plant.
• When someone else's bus pulls up, step back so they can walk past you. When your bus is here, step toward the curb and walk toward the bus. Not difficult.
• While waiting for a bus, smoke if you like. But for the love of Pete please step on the butt so I don't have to keep enjoying your cigarette when you're done with it.
• Got questions for the bus driver? Let other people get on the bus first. Come to think of it, don't ask the bus driver questions - get a map and let us all get where we have to go without any further delay.
• When you are walking down the aisle on the bus to find a seat, please don't grope your way through the bus on seat backs. This is very annoying to those sitting. Don't make me hate you.
• Bag on seat? Fine, UNTIL I need to sit there. Then no whining, no complaining, and no dirty looks. Just move the bag. The floor or your lap or maybe the overhead storage area are all acceptable - but NOT the seam between our seats.
• Am I getting into a window seat and you're in an aisle seat (or I am getting up from my window seat)? The proper way to do this is for you to stand up and get out. I don't want to slide past your knees, and you don't want my "front" or "back" in your face.
• If you have a cell phone, here are the only acceptable calls: "I'm running late. I'll be in X minutes. Thanks, bye." or "Can you pick me up at the bus stop in X minutes? Great, thanks, bye." or "I'm almost home. Do you need me to pick anything up on the way? OK, will do. Bye." That's it. Anything else can wait until you're there. Trust me, we all survived just fine without cell phones for a long time.
• While we're on the topic of cell phones, if you're talk to anyone, either someone sitting near you or someone on the other end of the phone, YOU DON'T NEED TO YELL SO LOUDLY. If I can hear you sitting 12 rows away, the guy sitting next to you or on the other end of the call can hear you just fine.
• Are you sitting? On your seat? On JUST your seat? I know, you might be, uh, portly, but just because I'm not a "large man" doesn't mean I'm untitled to less than my full seat. I've paid my $5 just like you, so please sit on your side of the seat pair. This applies to arms, legs, knees, elbows, and whatever inanimate objects you're dragging along with you.
• If one of us is standing and one of us is sitting, lets keep a few things in mind. Sitters shouldn't stick out in the aisle. Standers shouldn't pull or push on anyone's seat. Standers should keep their jackets, backpacks, etc. out of sitters faces. Sitters shouldn't give the old sigh just because someone is standing near them. Fair enough for everyone?
• Are you blocking my path off the bus? GET OUT OF MY WAY!! Yes, this might involve your getting off the bus and coming back on. I do it all the time when I am standing. It won't kill you to do it. In fact, you could use the exercise.

Let's try to keep things civil people. If you're like me, you don't like your commute much and appreciate any and all efforts to make it quieter and more comfortable.