Confessions of a White Castle Abuser

As I sit here and write this, I am enjoying a certain post-lunch glow. This particular euphoric state can only be the result of eating White Castles (or, for those in other parts of the country who have never heard of White Castle, "White Castle Hamburgers," "Sliders," or "Belly
Bombers").

Let me start by describing the experience of obtaining said White Castles. As anyone who's eaten there knows, getting the burgers is half the fun. No matter how nice the neighborhood in which the "restaurant" is located, White Castle brings a little bit of the ghetto with it. This isn't meant to be a racial thing, but rather speaks of the general class of patrons regardless of race, color, or creed. The fact that many are open 24/7 and tend to attract a less-than-sober late-night crowd doesn't really help their image.

In the White Castle on 8th Ave and 36th St, there was a lunch rush around 12:15 PM today. What made the situation particularly difficult was the fact that there was no real line to purchase anything. There was, however, a mob of people standing around in front of the counter. Some of them were waiting for food they had ordered, while others where waiting to order. There was no separation of the 2 groups. The situation behind the counter didn't look much better. As might be expected, general bedlam ensued.

I saw one man standing at the back of the mob getting frustrated at having to wait to order (despite the fact that everyone in front of him had already ordered). He walked out sans burgers. I burrowed my way to front of the mob and ordered my 10 burgers (5 with cheese).

A few minutes later my coworkers caught up to me while I was among the waiting folk in the mob. I instructed them to move up, as most people had already ordered. As I did so, a strange man started talking to me about the insanity there and lack of organization. He and I ultimately decided that the best solution was to have a separate ordering line and waiting area. I recall that velvet rope was bandied about as an easy way to accomplish this configuration.

After getting all of our food and returning to the office, I enjoyed my burgers immensely. They have a unique oniony flavor and, I believe, a liquid crack additive for extra addictiveness. One of my coworkers ate his 10 burgers in about 20 seconds flat. I completed my portion in a more reasonable manner.

And, of course, the real fun of White Castle doesn't really hit you until minutes or hours after your meal. Without getting too graphic, White Castles are a more effective laxative than Exlax. I have yet to be hit with my post-lunch purge (were I to be hit, I would complete the hat trick for today). A word to the wise: Don't mix White Castle and road trips. 'Nuf said.