New Photos

For anyone who cares, I've posted some new photos of my daughter Jessica Rose at my website. Enjoy.

True Confession

OK, so this is a little immature, but boy do I find it funny.

I found out that Tampax or some such company was giving away a free tampon sample (http://cheap.typepad.com lists these things all the time). So I had one sent out. To a coworker. To a male coworker at his work address.

Not only that, but I made sure I let him "refer" other male coworkers to the Tampax website.

Imagine the hilarity that will ensue when he opens that box from Tampax at his desk. I can't wait. Imagine the junk he is going to receive at the office. Imagine the puzzled look his coworkers are going to give him when they receive invitations to visit the Tampax website courtesy of this individual.

Sweet.

Staten Island's Wildlife

On Easter Sunday I had the rare privilege of sighting not one but two of Staten Island's marvelous creatures.

The first sighting occurred on my way to Church. I saw a wild turkey crossing a major boulevard. I pulled over and took this photo:



The first time I saw a wild turkey in Staten Island was a few months ago, and at that time I had to convince myself I wasn't hallucinating (after all, there isn't too much wildlife left here). Now, however, I have photographic proof.

The second amazing sighting was of a Staten Island crack abuser. One has to be very careful not to disturb this magnificent beast when it's going about its business in its natural habitat. Truly breathtaking. This shot was taken outside my mother's house in the afternoon:

Things I Said Today

True quotes from my conversations today:

• "My body is a finely tuned killing machine."
• "When you plan a wedding, you are supporting organized crime."
• "If I eat that [slice of pizza], I am just begging to be laid up on the can later."

Ummm... Finger Chili

Reminds me of my days in college eating 5 items off the Wendy's dollar menu every single day. Of course, I never found a severed human finger in my chili:

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/chili.asp

Will I still eat at Wendy's? Of course! After all, I never found a severed human finger in my chili.

Catching Poo

This is my first post on the topic of "scat." I doubt it will be my last. [You've been warned.]

Today was day 3 since my new daughter's last poo. Mommy and I were getting a little concerned, but not yet panicky.

After I administered Jessica's 7 PM feeding tonight, I noticed the distinct aroma of human excrement. While this would make some folks recoil in horror, I pulled her butt in for a closer smell.

How delighted I was when I opened her diaper to discover a wedge-shaped piece of baby dung. It was the most solid one we'd seen yet, probably due to the amount of formula we'd been mixing into the rotation lately. Mommy and I were, needless to say, both relieved and quite proud.

As I began wiping the poo "spigot," I was thinking, "wow, it's kind of hard to clean. I really need to get in there." That's when I realized it wasn't a deficiency in my cleaning, but rather the fact that "in there" was continuing to come "out here."

In a slight panic I started to use the baby wipe in my hand to catch the mighty turd as it made its exit. I quickly realized that I was going to run out of room on the wipe before she ran out of steam. My wife, observing from over my shoulder, started laughing uncontrollably. Her laughter was contagious to a certain extent, but was checked by a now critical concern on my part for where the rest of this mushy cigar was going to land.

I yelled to my wife, like a captain to his first mate, "Pull the diaper over here!!" She responded with an unspoken "ai ai sir!" and dragged the clean area of the used diaper to the "landing zone." I breathed a sigh of relief as the Playdough Fun Factory kept the flow up for another 30 seconds or so.

After a good laugh, another wipe, and a clean diaper, we were able to reflect on a perfect little new parent moment.

Watch Where You're Going

I was leaving for lunch today around 11:30 AM. I was standing in front of our building here on 7th Ave waiting for a coworker to join me outside the building. It was raining and cold, and I wasn't wearing a jacket nor did I have an umbrella.

I was looking toward the door of my building as my coworker came out. I turned around, moving perhaps 6 inches, and then - WHAM!! Some young woman dragging a suitcase smacks right into me. No apologies from her, just a look of disgust. Excuse me! You walked right into me. Yes, I was turned the other way, but I hadn't moved so much that she could have avoided collision if I weren't moving. She was clearly careening toward my person without any regard for anyone's safety or comfort.

One more reason to hate NYC.

Lead by Example

I support the Second Amendment as much as the next guy (as long as the next guy is an NRA member, though I am personally am not). Still, take a look at the officer in this video. He's giving a gun safety talk to a group and shoots himself in the process (after announcing that he's the only one in the room professional enough to handle the weapon). The irony is rather thick.

Why do I believe it's true? Snopes says so. Good enough for me.

Inevitable

I believe in freewill. It is consistent with my worldview and makes lots of sense from a philosophical standpoint. Nonetheless, I do believe that there is still room for fatalistic determinism when it comes to certain events.

This morning, I was burping my daughter before leaving the house. I was fully dressed and only 5 minutes away from walking out the door. I was very careful to use her bib, angle her properly, and place a rag at strategic locations on my person.

Despite all of my caution, however, she delivered one last big burp accompanied by a health glop of vomit. The vomit magically avoided the bib and rag, and ended up squarely on my left thigh (back, and to the left...). It was as inevitable as anything I have experienced. It was kind of like in those movies where you know that certain events must happen, except that this caused me to have to change my pants.

Frilly

On my way home from work last night, I walked down to Union Square and planned to take the bus from there (I had an errand to run on 17th and 6th, and it was a nice night after all).

Experiencing a typical NYC moment, I notice something like a marching band surrounded by a crowd, police cars, and several news vans on the other side of the street. In typical NYC fashion, I totally ignored it and didn't even cross over to see what was happening. I still don't really know what it was about.

As I walked down the south side of 14th St, in front of the Whole Foods/Filene's Basement/DSW complex I saw another rather interesting site. There was a tall, thin black man, 30's or 40's perhaps, in a very frilly, light colored skirt (the is SKIRT, not shirt). He was wearing a thin white jacket covered in little clear plastic rectangles under which were more colorful, frilly patterns. He was also angry. I could tell this by the look on his face and the fact that he was yelling very loudly (at what, I don't know).

I would have gotten a better look, but I didn't want him to start yelling at me. The key to walking around NYC is to avoid any interaction with other people.

Forgotten NY

Check out this website:

http://www.forgotten-ny.com/

It has info on some AMAZING places in the 5 boroughs. In particular, the "You'd Never Believe You're In NYC" page is very cool and includes links to many places in Staten Island.

I think I'll check out some of these places in the near future (when the weather is a bit nicer) and create some more photo galleries.

Little Girl's Clothes

Since my daughter has been born (3 weeks ago to the day), I've made an interesting observation about women.

Let me start by saying that my wife and I are not exceptionally popular. We have a small circle of close friends, a handful of other friends, and a normal-sized circle of acquaintances.

To be honest, I'm not that popular personally. I often insult people inadvertently, or hurt other's feelings without realizing it. For that matter, I'm not really that generous when it comes to gift giving.

That said, you wouldn't expect us to be the recipients of a large number of gifts for our baby. Of course, family and close friends might give some gifts. That's normal. But, in contrast, we received so many gifts of clothing that there is no way we can even begin to keep track of who gave us what. We received gifts from people we never met, causal acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, friends of parents, etc. Why? What explains this phenomenon?

What do the clothing gifts have in common? The answer: They've all come from women. Not a single clothing gift has come from a man.

Those are the facts. Based on those facts, I'd like propose a theory: Women will use any excuse they can find to buy clothing for little girls. For them, it is like buying clothing for a doll. It allows them to express an innocent feminine delight in clothing that is not possible with their own clothing. For example, how often does a woman get a chance to buy an outfit that includes a matching bow on an elastic band to be worn on the head? How often are bonnets an acceptable head covering for an adult woman? With little girls, however, these wacky doll-like concoctions are not only acceptable, they are expected.

I have spoken with several women about this and have confirmed that this thought process occurs on both conscious and subconscious levels.

I hope science someday confirms what I have already discovered. At that time, I hope they name the phenomenon after me - "D'Auria Syndrome." I know, it's kind of a girly thing to have named for me, but better that than some horrible new disease.

Express Bus Letter

An open letter to those who ride the MTA Staten Island Express Bus:

Society needs the Social Contract to function and survive as a society. This contract extends to every area of our interaction with one another. As it relates to our commute together, I'd like to propose the following rules/suggestions/guidelines:

• When waiting for the bus at a bus stop, let's all stand in an ordered line. Let's not congregate aimlessly. When people get on the bus, move up to fill in the gaps. Otherwise, you look like some kind of plant, and I will walk around you. If that means I get on the next bus before you do, remember, you are a plant.
• When someone else's bus pulls up, step back so they can walk past you. When your bus is here, step toward the curb and walk toward the bus. Not difficult.
• While waiting for a bus, smoke if you like. But for the love of Pete please step on the butt so I don't have to keep enjoying your cigarette when you're done with it.
• Got questions for the bus driver? Let other people get on the bus first. Come to think of it, don't ask the bus driver questions - get a map and let us all get where we have to go without any further delay.
• When you are walking down the aisle on the bus to find a seat, please don't grope your way through the bus on seat backs. This is very annoying to those sitting. Don't make me hate you.
• Bag on seat? Fine, UNTIL I need to sit there. Then no whining, no complaining, and no dirty looks. Just move the bag. The floor or your lap or maybe the overhead storage area are all acceptable - but NOT the seam between our seats.
• Am I getting into a window seat and you're in an aisle seat (or I am getting up from my window seat)? The proper way to do this is for you to stand up and get out. I don't want to slide past your knees, and you don't want my "front" or "back" in your face.
• If you have a cell phone, here are the only acceptable calls: "I'm running late. I'll be in X minutes. Thanks, bye." or "Can you pick me up at the bus stop in X minutes? Great, thanks, bye." or "I'm almost home. Do you need me to pick anything up on the way? OK, will do. Bye." That's it. Anything else can wait until you're there. Trust me, we all survived just fine without cell phones for a long time.
• While we're on the topic of cell phones, if you're talk to anyone, either someone sitting near you or someone on the other end of the phone, YOU DON'T NEED TO YELL SO LOUDLY. If I can hear you sitting 12 rows away, the guy sitting next to you or on the other end of the call can hear you just fine.
• Are you sitting? On your seat? On JUST your seat? I know, you might be, uh, portly, but just because I'm not a "large man" doesn't mean I'm untitled to less than my full seat. I've paid my $5 just like you, so please sit on your side of the seat pair. This applies to arms, legs, knees, elbows, and whatever inanimate objects you're dragging along with you.
• If one of us is standing and one of us is sitting, lets keep a few things in mind. Sitters shouldn't stick out in the aisle. Standers shouldn't pull or push on anyone's seat. Standers should keep their jackets, backpacks, etc. out of sitters faces. Sitters shouldn't give the old sigh just because someone is standing near them. Fair enough for everyone?
• Are you blocking my path off the bus? GET OUT OF MY WAY!! Yes, this might involve your getting off the bus and coming back on. I do it all the time when I am standing. It won't kill you to do it. In fact, you could use the exercise.

Let's try to keep things civil people. If you're like me, you don't like your commute much and appreciate any and all efforts to make it quieter and more comfortable.

Our Evolving Language

Remind me to write about my thoughts on how the English language evolves one day. For now, be satisfied with this:

New Words

I think they should add a few more schoolyard favorites: "wet willy," "guido," and "dirtbag" certainly belong in any complete list of English words.

My Answer to "Save the Earth"

In the event you were under the impression that the earth needs saving, rest assured it's pretty safe. There's lots of fun with physics and cosmology on this topic here:

http://ned.ucam.org/~sdh31/misc/destroy.html

Enjoy, and remember to use this information responsibly.

Purchasing Fruit in the City

Every Monday I like to buy fruit from a guy on the corner of Broadway and 35th Street. He's a short, dark guy of non-specific origin. If I had to guess I'd say Guyana or perhaps a Caribbean nation. He speaks with a moderate accent that is rather difficult to identify.

His stand is located conveniently near my bus stop and can be on the way to work. It can just as easily be avoided if I'd rather not pass that way. He stocks a respectable variety of fruit for a little cart.

We, of course, recognize each other quite well by now. He greets me warmly, we make very small talk, then he loads my bag with fruits of my choosing. I pay him for said fruits (usually totaling between $3 and $5), exchange one last pleasantry, and then walk to the office. We do not know each others' names.

Anyway, today I went by to purchase a small selection of fruits - I ultimately settled on 4 bananas, 2 oranges, and 2 grapefruits since I am only in the office 4 days this week. My bus, however, was running late so I arrived about 20 minutes later than usual - about 8:45 AM or so. It would seem that 8:45 is a bad time to be buying fruit. It is a very busy time for West Midtown.

In front of me on "line" were about 4 or 5 women of different ages. One of them was manhandling some Chilean plums. At one point, there were several on the sidewalk. My fruit guy didn't like this. He told her in an annoyed voice, "Don't buy those plums... They've been on the floor." As she came to pay him he also presented her with some grapes that both he and I had clearly heard her ask for. Her response to the grapes was, "What's this? I didn't want this." My fruit guy told her to "Hold on, I have to take care of this guy." He gave me a bag for my fruit and took my $3 with a friendly greeting. The plum-dropping woman had left. Fruit guy addressed me, in the hearing of other customers, "Man, there are all kinds of people... And I deal with them all working here in New York."

Ummm.... Hamdog....

Oh Yes! Finally, someone wrapped a hot dog in a burger and deep fried the whole thing. Oh, and someone also wrapped a burger in a couple of greasy Krispy Kreme donuts.

Luther Burger

Welcome

Hi Folks,

I have lots of random thoughts. Some are entertaining, some are venting, some are mundane, and some are philosophical. You might be entertained by them, and you might not.

In any case, I am going to see how long I can keep myself interested in writing these things down and publishing them to the web. Look here for updates (hopefully more frequent ones than on other areas of my site).