Too Witty To Let It Go

I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but boy did I rattle off some quality humor yesterday evening. Only my wife and baby were there to hear it, so I figured I'd share it with the blog, running the risk of telling a "you-had-to-be-there" moment.

So we were sitting down in a local Russian restaurant awaiting the fulfillment of our take-out order. Above us is a television showing the Russian version of MTV, complete with sound. We've gotten that stage in our marriage where constant conversation isn't required, so we sat back and enjoyed the fine Russian pop music. I was occasionally interjecting my own "translations" for the action in the videos.

At one point we see a music video set in an 18th Century royal court or some such. The musician seemed to remind me of someone. I turned to my wife and said, "That's the artist formerly known as the Czar."

Well, I thought it was witty anyhow.

Even I Don't Understand Why...

In the (hopefully) distant future, I will someday review my life with the Lord. One aspect of my life will raise the question, "Why - why did you do this?" To be honest, I don't think I'll have a good answer. The conversation might go something like this:

The Lord: Andrew, do you remember Willy, your cat?

Me: Yes Lord, I do.

The Lord: Do you remember when you used to clean his litter box?

Me: Yes Lord.

The Lord: Why did you monogram the litter with the letter "W" using the scooper after each cleaning?

Me: No idea.

The King of Leftovers

I am the King of Leftovers. I toot my own horn more often that probably I should, but I really am good at creatively disposing of existing food.

The two most recent examples:

• Input: Cooked hot dogs, hamburgers, buns, and normal condiments
• Process: Chop up hot dogs and hamburgers into little bits, mix, heat, place in hot dog buns topped with ketchup and mustard
• Result: Frankenburgers - It's like there's a BBQ in my mouth and everyone's invited

• Input: Cooked hot dogs, buns, delicious humus
• Process: Heat hot dogs, place on bun, top with humus
• Result: Humus Dogs - Not rocket science, nor is it creatively named, but it tastes like something you'd get from a street vendor in downtown Beirut

Shredding

Thanks to my lovely coworker Lori, you too can enjoy watching an industrial shredder rip all manner of objects into little shreds:

http://www.ssiworld.com/watch/watch-en.htm

8:54 PM - Waldbaums, Staten Island, NY

I'm on line at the register with 7 bottles of baby formula. In front of me is a morbidly obese woman, perhaps in her late 40's or so. Laid in front of her are 9 x 16-packs of Borden American Cheese Food Singles (that's 144 singles for those who struggle with math) laid out in 3 separate piles of 3 packs each. On top of each 3-pack pile is a stapled set of 3 coupons for said cheese food.

Without reading the coupon, I just know they are a "limit 3" kind of deal. After all, why ring them up in 3 separate batches if that's not the case?

The register girl, a chubby woman in her early 30's with a horrifying lower lip piercing, dutifully wrings up the 3 separate cheese piles. About halfway through she remarks, "That's a lot of cheese." The customer replies, "We really like cheese! And, after all, it's barbecue season. Everyone likes cheeseburgers!"

The register girl apparently agrees with this sentiment heartily, as she exclaims, "Of course! It's a crime to eat a burger without cheese!"