What kind of pipe does Santa smoke?

This question was recently posed as a contest on a pipe smoking forum I frequent. Here is my response:

As per the North Pole Elves Protection Act of 2004, smoking tobacco products of any kind is strictly prohibited in any working environment. This is for the safety of the workers, as the dangers of second hand smoke are a widely known established fact.

Furthermore, because Elvus Articus, commonly known as the "North Pole Elf" is on the United Nations list of Endangered and Threatened Species, additional care and precaution must be taken in preserving their habit. Therefore tobacco products of any kind are strictly prohibited anywhere in the elves natural habit. This includes but is not limited to Santa's Workshop, Elves Quarters, Santa's Home (he employees a staff of "domestic elves" for light household duties), the entire region located north of the 89th parallel in the Northern Hemisphere, and certain construction routes in Iceland (see http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/13/in...e/13elves.html).

Some have inquired as to the legality of smoking on Santa's sleigh, particularly while it is not located at the North Pole during flight around the world on Christmas Eve. Here, of course, we need to consider aviation guidelines. Airspace around the world includes a mixture of countries that still barbarically allow smoking on aircraft, and the vast majority that do not. And there is also international airspace to consider. In light of the fact that Santa's flight path crosses into airspace that prohibits smoking during any flight, the entire flight plan must be considered as occurring through smoke-free airspace. Smoking during Santa's flight is, therefore, prohibited.

In addition, even if Santa decides to alter his flight plan and only deliver presents to locations where in-flight smoking is permitted (i.e. to uncivilized paleolithic nations), smoking would still be strictly prohibited as the second hand smoke would possess a grave danger to the rarest and most vulnerable of Santa's employees - the flying reindeer.

Special note: Beginning in 2009, Santa will no longer be able to produce or deliver any tobacco-related gift items, including but not limited to pipe tobacco, cigars, cigarettes, pipes, cigarette holders, ashtrays, pipe cleaners, tampers, clippers, and of course lighters. These changes are going into effect for everyone's safety and well being.